1. People who use the term, “Everybody knows …” No, everybody obviously does NOT know if I had to question it. Screw you, smart ass.
2. Hooligans who feel the need to take the flower pot from my front yard and move it down the street, or even worse smash it down the street. No matter how many times it’s replaced. I am going to catch you one day.. and you bet your sorry ass I will beat you! It’s heavy as fuck, so it’s obviously no little 10 year old who I shouldn’t be beating on.
3. When you’re dancing in your underthings in the rain, and instead of coming outside to watch.. your neighbors creepy dad watches from the window, thinking you can’t see him. I can see you creeping me, mister. I’m not ashamed to run around soaking wet in my panties like a slut.. why are you so ashamed to like it?
4. Crocs.. I don’t care how comfortable they are! This needs no explanation.
5. Guys who pretend to like chick flicks. NO guy likes chick flicks. Seriously. “Hey, I liked The Notebook, wanna go out with me?” Do they expect a girl to be all, “Sure, because you’re so sensitive and real, not like those other guys.” Girls aren’t stupid.. at least I’m not! I know that either you didn’t like it, or you didn’t like it. Quit pretending, it makes you look like a loser.
6. Guys who like Maroon 5 - Listen to some real music, woman. Honestly, do you think you can pick up chicks from listening to that crap, or do you actually like their music?
7. Accidentally letting it slip that you’re the only one at a large group party who knows the words to a song nobody can remember!
Because there is no peer pressure in the world that compares with the one where everyone just stands looking at you going:
“Sing it.” “Yeah go on sing it!” “Just sing it.” “Don’t be such a nob, just sing it.” “Sing a bit of a it.” “Yeah at least sing a bit of it.” “Oi everyone — Sing it! Sing it! Sing it! Sing it! Sing it!” “I’d sing it if I knew it.”
Until eventually you just have to give up and say, “OK, fine! I’ll just sing a bit of it. God!”
8. Using a piece of gym equipment after another woman or child. I mean, obviously I can bench press like, you know, a whole shitload of weight. And as for reps, don’t talk to me about reps. I have got reps coming out of my ass. We’re talking like ten.
Unfortunately it seems however high I like my weight settings on a given piece of gym equipment, the woman or child who used it immediately before me always had it set quite a lot higher. Which is when I have to go through the elaborate charade of pretending to put the weight setting up while sneakily taking it down a level or two, then completing my ten reps and sneakily putting it back really high for the next person. It’s more exhausting than my actual work-out . Which is punishing. Obviously.
9. Weddings of friends and family that I’m not invited to and didn’t want to go to anyways. To be honest I’m not all that fussed about going to your wedding, whoever you are (some friend I don’t talk to much anymore, maybe distant family). But if I find out that you don’t want me there, I swear to god I will move heaven and earth to make sure I somehow wangle an invite.
10. The way old people refuse to admit that they just fell over, and spring right back up as if nothing happened.
Youngster: Oh my god, are you OK?
Gran: Yes thanks.
Youngster: You didn’t hurt yourself?
Gran: When sorry?
Youngster: When you fell over? Just now?
Gran: Mmm?
Youngster: You fell.
Gran: Who did sorry?
Youngster: Oh I get it, OK. Well, I know. So.
Seriously, next time I see an elder fall over, I’m filming it!
11. Little girls between the ages of 6 and 14 who really love reading. I’m referring specifically to the kind of little girl who says, “Oh mommy, I just don’t understand why all children my age don’t read more. Think of what they’re missing!”
Now I’m not saying we shouldn’t teach little girls to read… but we should definitely think about taking their books away if they’re going to get all gay about it.
12. The way I immediately transform into some kind of upper-class lady the moment I check into a hotel. I walk in there my usual old self, next thing I know I’m walking to the pool with a towel under arm presenting the scared looking maid with, “Good morning!” in my ‘I’m-staying-in-a-posh-hotel’ greeting tone. It’s 50% polite greeting, 50% firm instruction,..as in: “You will have a good morning or I will hunt you down and kill you.”
13. Trying to alert old women that you’re walking behind them, and are about to pass. Because with old women there’s always the danger that you’re going to scare them very literally ‘to death.’ Particularly when it’s late, you’re dressed all in black. If only there was some kind of universally accepted special cough that said, “OK madam, I’m walking right behind you, and I’m unfortunately dressed like a sex pest, but trust me, I am not interested in raping you.. just passing. You’re too slow.”
14. Those popular drawings of cartoon characters having sex. It’s just wrong! I question the need for anyone to devote their time to drawing say, a portrait of Bart Simpson butt-fucking his sister Lisa.
15. Girls who REFUSE to admit that they masturbate (speaking in terms of girls who Aren’t overly religious.)
I know you do it.. everybody does it.
16. Telemarketers who don’t speak English and spend 5 minutes in a back and forth, “Goooood… how are you?” battle before forcing me to hang up on them.
17. People who use my hyperactive stupidity against me and make me look blond! Just because I’ve had too much coffee, doesn’t mean you can pick on me!
18. People who say, “They’re just boobs.” ….. “I have boobs, you have boobs. They’re just boobs.”
NO.. they aren’t JUST boobs. They’re BOOBS! Fuck you
